Anxiety. It exists and is very much real. Too real. You ever sat in a room filled with people and still felt alone? That’s how anxiety feels and sometimes it shows up dressed in complete disguise and you wouldn’t even understand what’s happening to you or how you are feeling until it’s all over. But here is the catch. Anxiety like most things can be managed. It is possible.
I remember after I graduated from high school about 10 years ago, or so I felt it. Anxiety to the very core and it left me feeling shook. Yes, shook. I didn’t even know what I was feelings, so you can imagine the confusion. I didn’t know enough about it. Why, you may ask? Because unlike most common subjects like Math, Science, History and English, conversations about mental health weren’t something I was exposed to. It’s not something people around me openly discussed. That’s why it felt more strange. I just wished that wasn’t the case, I wished like most subjects being taught at schools; we talked about mental health regularly. I am so glad things are slowly changing and mental health conversations are being encouraged. But we have a long way to go.
What is anxiety? What am I feeling? Is it normal to feel such emotions? These are some easier questions I was asking myself when getting anxious and staying anxious becomes consistent… so consistent that it felt common and that’s when I thought about harder questions. Like, how long can one feel this way? When does it stop? Does it ever stop? After a couple of worrisome nights, I kind of got my answer. It stops when you tell it to stop.
I was overthinking. That was the problem. You know what people say about overthinking, don’t you? We hate it but can’t avoid it! Some people don’t even realize how extreme their overthinking is getting until someone points it out to them or they get themselves in a troubling situation. I was glad I realized it on time. I thought one day I’ll wake up and all my worries will magically disappear. Sadly, that didn’t happen. There was no magic at all. It felt more like a wrecking ball. Here is how it went. I woke up on one fine day and stopped feeling sorry for myself. And I kept going. I kept telling myself this over and over, every day until I started feeling the difference.
Here is another disclaimer for you, overcoming anxiety is not a one stop destination, it’s in fact a constant journey. Once I realized that, that’s when the idea of overcoming anxiety felt real. Otherwise, it would have felt like a scam. I think that’s why people get disappointed; they try something one day and keep trying for couple more days and then stop. We all want fast and easy fix, but that’s not the case here. You can’t expect a quick fix for something that you dealt with for months or even years. Once I accepted that, it became like a second nature. Every time I sensed myself getting anxious; I used the recipe of self-acceptance, self-appreciation, and self-worth to calm myself.
Many things caused me anxiety, fear of missing out, fear of ambling in life when everyone around you is running, fear of not figuring out my purpose, fear of not discovering myself. There was so much going on. I was keeping so much inside of me that I needed to talk to someone. The reason I was feeling lonely because I wasn’t talking about struggles. So, to address this issue, I took the first step towards self-acceptance. I told my family about my worries. I remember I went on and on not thinking or leaving anything out, I just kept on talking until I felt lighter. I felt so good. Then came the hard part, my family’s reaction. One thing you should know about my family is that they can handle situations. So, I knew going to them was the right choice. They did an amazing thing. A most wonderful thing. They gave me validation for my feelings. Talking to them made me realize the importance of connecting with the right person.
When you are struggling, it’s very important to find your support system. You can’t just talk to anyone. You must trust them. You must know them. Then you go and tell them, and if you don’t have anyone in your life that you particularly trust, you get help from outside sources, such as by joining a support group, or going for counselling. Just find someone and if you can’t find someone, then write. I do this till very date and I’ll continue to write. I can’t even imagine not writing, if you haven’t tried it. Do it now. Pick a paper and a pen and write, draw, doodle random design but do it. The point is to get it out of your system. Say it, sing it, draw it, just let it out. That’s when it becomes magic.
How do you see yourself? When you look at yourself, how are you seeing the person who’s looking back? Do you love the person you’re seeing? Most people don’t. I did for some time, and that was one of the worst things I did to myself. I started seeing myself through the eyes of others. Instead of seeing me, I a reflection of someone else. A stranger who I didn’t even realize was me. Self-appreciation is a difficult thing. Sometimes it’s easy to love others and difficult to love yourself. But how can you expect to love someone else when you are not fully, madly, selflessly in love with yourself?
Just like struggles, your love belongs to you too. Instead of finding things you don’t love about yourself, why not do things the other way around? Instead of not liking the person who’s looking back at you as you stare at the mirror at 2 am in the night, why not try to fall in love with it? Love is such a powerful thing, we hear about it, read about it, listen about it but sometimes miss out on feeling it. So do that. Feel it. Knowing you are not perfect and accepting it and then loving it? Doesn’t it sound so wonderful? It does to me. It sounds ever so romantic, loving yourself completely, with no conditions.
If I am not perfect, then what is my place in this world? What is my role? What part am I playing? I think about this a lot. Especially when I hear stories about other people, people doing big things, accomplishing great things, going after their dreams, and turning them into a reality. These types of stories leave me with so many questions. The difference now is that I don’t let it bother me. I don’t let it consume me. I think about it, accept it, and then move on with the day. Why? Because it has nothing to do with me. I am not here to compete because this is not a race. It can be if I want to, but then I will go back to feeling how I did before and all the work I did on myself will go to waste. So, I don’t bother. I let the idea enter and leave my mind and continue with the journey towards love, forgiveness, and acceptance. I hope you come out of this pandemic feeling proud of yourself and give yourself a chance to be happy.
